What Happens When You Stop Being the Default Parent?
If I had known then that things would change this much, would those long, lonely nights with two under two have felt easier?
It’s a question I feel lucky to even be able to ask now.
Last year, my husband Brian became the “default parent” to our two nuggets, now 4 and 6. He manages the schedules, school and daycare commutes, class WhatsApp chats, laundry, meal planning, and grocery shopping. He’s even become quite the chef.
Yes, I know. It sounds like a dream.
But it also meant letting go of a familiar version of life, identity, and community.
After 8 years in London and 2 young kids, life felt increasingly heavy. We were constantly rushing, tired, and trying to hold everything together. So in 2024, we moved to rural Finland in search of freedom: less financial pressure, more time as a family, and a life that felt more aligned with our values. It felt like a very long road to get here.
While on maternity leave with my first, I resigned from my job in early March 2020, just one week before Covid shut the world down. I knew I wanted to try something new, on my own terms, and connected to a deeper mission.
Covid, for all its devastation, gave us something unexpected: time together. Brian was suddenly home while our 8 month old was awake, so he did every bath and bedtime. When our daughter arrived in February 2021, just 18 months after her brother, life was chaotic - but we were in it together. Even if he was on calls in the next room, Brian was present.
His parents were forced into early retirement due to Covid and moved from the US to help us. Our son’s nursery was a 5 minute walk away. We were finding new rhythms together. Then 2022 hit. And it was rough.
After family leave, Brian returned to the office five days a week, working long hours. He rarely saw the kids awake. Most evenings, I was either alone managing dinner, baths, and bedtime or balancing help from my MIL. Sometimes Brian would step in after a failed bedtime attempt, finding me in tears. Our family life felt off, and we both knew it.
So I did what I always do when things feel overwhelming: I went into strategy mode.
In early 2023, I taped a sticky whiteboard to our bedroom wall with two columns:
Lyons Family Values
Day-to-Day Life
When we finished the lists, none of it matched our current life. Not a single thing. That whiteboard confronted us every morning and night.
I also knew I wanted to work again, but only if I could do it with full flexibility since Brian’s job had none. In May 2023, I joined a small accelerator to see if I could start my own business. That group of women became my lifelines. We learned together, supported one another, and gained confidence in our new chapters.
I attended webinars while juggling childcare with my MIL and nursery. Every week felt like a puzzle: work blocks, swim lessons, music class, trying to see friends, and occasional date nights. I was constantly on the go and felt buried under the invisible load of motherhood and housework. Brian wasn’t happy either, but he wasn’t ready to give up his career. We were stuck.
Then we found Simone, a marriage counselor who truly saved us. She helped us learn how to communicate as a team again, especially when the decisions felt impossible. I still recommend her to friends. At the end of the accelerator, I gave my pitch for the final project. I’d worked on the deck for weeks. Halfway through, someone interrupted: “We can’t see your slides.”
I was devastated. I once managed humanitarian responses, but now I couldn’t even get a pitch right.
A few weeks later in counseling, Brian finally admitted something that hurt to hear: if Faith was that upset over a pitch, how could she manage a company?
Before I could respond, Simone stepped in: “Brian, do you think this might be about more than a pitch? Maybe it’s about Faith finding herself again after becoming a mom and starting something new.”
She gave language to what I couldn’t. And Brian understood it.
I finally saw his side more clearly too. He’d been promoted to a global leadership role. His father survived a heart attack. His sister was going through a divorce. His 2022 had been hard as well.
A year later, we made the decision to leave London, just one month after I launched my first web app. Not ideal timing for my work, but the right timing for my family.
My son who had completed reception in London got a gap year here - going to the same daycare as his sister with joint outside time, before starting pre-school the next year aged 6.
Our first six months in Finland were tough for me and Brian. He traveled back to London frequently. We live on his uncle’s farm while figuring out where to settle. Many people didn’t speak English, and my then five-year-old often translated for me. Then Brian made the leap. He left his job and stepped into a new chapter: becoming the default parent.
That shift gave me the space I needed to work with more focus and intention. I even built a small team this year. And yet, there’s grief in this transition too.
I miss some of the memories that used to be “mine.” Brian now takes the kids on weekly adventures: to the library, the pool, sledding hills, skating ponds. I’ve had to learn to trust his process. He doesn’t do things the way I would, and that’s okay.
I’m still figuring out my own balance. I’m building The Nugget to help families spend time together, and sometimes I feel like I don’t get enough time with my own. So I block off hours when the kids are home. Brian does bedtime on the nights I have calls with the US. I still don’t love bedtime.
This holiday season, I took a longer break than planned for our first Christmas on our own time: Brian not working, me working on my own terms, no travel. More time together as a family.
That’s why we moved. That’s why I started my own business. Because I remember those lonely nights. And now, I want to treasure these family days while I can, while building something that helps other families do the same.
Faith is the founder of The Nugget and a mum on a mission to help families find places they can genuinely enjoy together, starting with where to eat. Discover The Nugget in London, request your city, or become a Local Hero and support families in your area.