How to Deal with Difficult Family Dynamics at Christmas

A Psychologist’s Guide to Protecting Your Energy

Christmas is painted as a season of joy and connection, but for many of us it is also a season of pressure. The lights get brighter just as our energy dips, and the expectation to be “on” — present, cheerful, connected — can feel relentless.

Office parties, extended family lunches, days spent navigating in-laws or old dynamics, all while trying to create magic for our children.

Connection is essential to us as humans, but Christmas often asks for connection we did not choose. And that is when the emotional load grows heavier.

At this time of year, the natural light gets darker but the artificial lights get brighter. Amid the mulled wine, festive gatherings and delicious food, there is also a backdrop of pressure. The pressure to feel joy, to want to get close to family and friends, to be excited by a social calendar that fills up by the hour.

That is the thing with Christmas: it is all about connection, and connection for humans is a necessity. So of course we think Christmas should be a time of fun and celebration.

But it is also a time of forced connection. Office parties, extended family lunches and prolonged stays with the in-laws can all be ingredients in a festive recipe that tastes a lot like hard work.

These social connections are not always the ones we would choose. So at a time when we might naturally want to hibernate and get cosy by a dimly lit fire, many of us are instead out in bright lights and noisy rooms with our social mask firmly plastered on.

I realise I am beginning to sound a bit like Scrooge, but I am actually a big fan of Christmas. I love the joy it brings, and I think the element of being nudged to switch off from our routines and swap our phones for a competitive game of Articulate is genuinely welcome.

Spending time with people who lift us can spark energy. But too much time with those who drain us or challenge our sense of self-worth is not sustainable.

The difficult relationships in our lives are hard to navigate at the best of times. The Christmas season squeezes them into the spotlight and drapes festive ribbons of pressure over them. We can often identify these relationships by noticing how we feel after an interaction. If we feel energised, content, lighter or simply okay, that is usually a sign of a relationship that adds value.

But if we come away feeling angst, doubt, overthinking, sadness or discomfort, it is likely a relationship that challenges us.

Staying ahead of these relationships is important year-round, but at Christmas it can feel essential.

Awareness is the first step; consciously recognising when you are going to encounter someone who might be challenging goes a long way in reducing their impact.

The second step is giving yourself recovery time. Try not to schedule two difficult encounters back-to-back. If you know an occasion will be draining, plan a following day with few or no demands so you can recharge.

The third step is staying in a balanced mindset: understanding that some situations can be avoided, while others are necessary. The middle path is often exactly where we need to be.

Taking a middle path in life is about steering away from the extremes. Too many social occasions can leave us overstimulated and depleted, while too much isolation can dull our energy and perspective. The same goes for our emotional responses.

When a small comment from someone misaligned with our values triggers an outsized reaction, we end up giving away energy that is not deserved. A middle path invites us to notice when we are tipping into “too much” or “too little,” and to gently guide ourselves back to a steadier, more grounded place.

This balanced way of living becomes the foundation for navigating the festive season with more ease.

A middle Christmas that supports healthy relationship management means saying yes to the connections and celebrations you genuinely want, and perhaps no to some of those you do not. It looks like a balanced social calendar. Being intentional about when to schedule festive fun, or passing on an event if it sits too close to something else that is already taxing.

It also means acknowledging that some things cannot be avoided, such as Christmas Day lunch at the in-laws or Boxing Day with your own family, and protecting your energy before and after so you do not empty the tank.

A middle Christmas is not about shutting down connection. It is about embracing the relationships that bring joy and energy, and placing protective buffers around the ones that do not.

Dr Jo Carlile, BSc, MSc, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist and the Co-Creator of therapist pairing platform Pear and Director of Carlile Psychology.