The Identity Gap: Who Am I Outside of Everyone Else’s Needs?

By Emily Gallagher, Founder of Mother Brand

There’s a moment in motherhood when you realise you’ve become the project manager of everyone else’s lives. You know exactly who needs what, when (usually before they know themselves), and how they like it done. Yet if someone asks what you need, you stare blankly for a moment before mumbling something inoffensive about coffee and a nap.

I remember when this hit me hard. I had two under two, and every ounce of energy went into keeping small humans (and the dog) alive. My days blurred between trying to schedule freelance work around feeds, naps, snacks and meltdowns in playparks. I was running on lists, logistics and high levels of cortisol.

One morning, a new friend asked what had driven me to study American Literature at university. I did a double take, suddenly realising that person was also me.

I still had glimpses of the woman I was before kids — ambitious, funny, curious to learn — but she felt like someone there simply hadn’t been space for lately. I loved my children fiercely, but I longed for time to focus on myself again, as a person with room to exist outside of everyone else’s needs. None of us talk about this feeling, if we have it, because it can feel indulgent to say out loud.

It’s a strange, disorienting feeling, that gap between who you were and who you’ve become, but it’s something I found valuable to explore. I’d highly recommend books on matrescence by Zoë Blaskey, or Leaving the Ladder Down by Dolly Jones (formerly Vogue). I researched endlessly and realised that although in the depths of motherhood ‘identity’ can sound like a luxury item, it’s really not. It’s oxygen — essential to our whole being.

We all know we can multitask better than most, but I dislike the ‘superhero’ rhetoric because it comes at such a cost: the loss of feeling human. Too many mothers face the gap between how capable they look and how depleted they feel, simply because they’ve given everything and left nothing for themselves — apart from perhaps a token spa day everyone assumes will make them feel better.

This is exactly why I started Mother Brand. Somewhere between a night feed and a nursery drop-off, I went looking for something that saw me — a woman with her own thoughts, identity and needs — and I couldn’t find it. Everything I came across was about parenting, baby milestones or another Breton-striped top.

Mother Brand grew from that gap: a space that focuses on the mother, not the motherhood. A reminder that the woman behind it all deserves as much care and attention as everyone she’s looking after. Her wellbeing isn’t an afterthought or something to revisit ‘when things calm down’ — it’s what keeps everything else running.

Maybe it starts small.

This isn’t about going to an ashram to rediscover who you are. It can be as simple as choosing the music in the car. Saying no to something you don’t want to do. Walking the kids the long way round so you can stop at the coffee shop you prefer.

Maybe it’s just taking a second to ask, What do I actually need right now? The answer will always be individual, so comparison isn’t helpful either.

Motherhood will ask a lot of you, but it shouldn’t take all of you. Take up space, enjoy being heard, and if you need help, we’re here.

Emily Gallagher is the founder of Mother Brand, a platform that helps women reconnect with who they are beyond motherhood — offering coaching, community and expert guidance to support their emotional, physical and financial wellbeing.