10 Simple Ways to Stay Connected with Your Teen
We discuss all things teens and tweens with author Nicole Howes, whose book Not A Survival Guide explores the realities of raising teenagers with compassion, humour and practical insight.
With this new horizon approaching — or already here for some — Nicole shares 10 simple ways to stay connected with your teen.
Whether you’re deep in it or just on the precipice, her advice is honest, reassuring and rooted in experience — the kind that helps you feel seen, supported, and a little more prepared for what’s to come.
There’s a moment in parenting that can take you by surprise. One day, you’re the centre of your child’s world; the next, you’re background noise — useful for lifts, snacks and Wi-Fi passwords.
When I first thought about raising teenagers, I was terrified. Not because of them, but because of what it represented — a shift. The end of being the centre, the beginning of their independence. It made me nostalgic and a little sad. Had I done enough? Would our relationship survive the next few years?
We’re told endlessly that teenagers are difficult, that the ‘teen stage’ is something to dread or survive. That narrative helps no one. In truth, they’re not trying to push us away as much as they’re trying to work out who they are — and that requires space. But as I’ve learned, space doesn’t have to mean disconnection.
When I wrote Not A Survival Guide, one question kept coming up from parents: “How do I stay connected to my teen?” It’s the fear at the heart of this stage — that we’ll lose them emotionally before they ever leave home. Connection doesn’t happen by accident; it takes intention, patience and a sense of humour.
Here are a few small, practical ways to nurture that bond and keep the lines open - even through the eye rolls and slammed doors.
10 Simple Ways to Stay Connected with Your Teen
1. Pick your battles.
That bowl on the counter? It’s not worth it. Let the little stuff slide sometimes. Teens genuinely don’t see the chaos in the same way adults do — their brains aren’t fully wired for it yet. Choose calm conversations over constant correction. If something really matters, save it for a pre-planned family check-in where everyone gets to speak.
2. Collect your children.
A beautiful concept from Gabor Maté: ‘collect’ your children. It means showing up physically and emotionally. Go and find them instead of calling through the house, walk them home from the bus stop, or collect them from a friend’s and chat in the car. Small, gentle presence is grounding.
3. Show, don’t just say, “I love you.”
Words matter less than gestures. Listen fully. Leave a note. Send a song. Cook their favourite food. Whatever your family’s love language, let it show up in actions.
4. Keep turning up.
Invite them for a walk, a drive, a game of cards — and don’t take it personally if they say no. The offer itself matters. Keep asking. Sometimes I’ll make tea and biscuits after school and just sit with them — no interrogation, no agenda. It’s about closeness, not conversation.
5. Date your teen.
One-to-one time builds connection faster than anything else. Go for dinner, a show, or a simple at-home spa night. It doesn’t need to be fancy, just consistent.
6. Don’t make them the punchline.
Even in jest, avoid talking negatively about your teen. If they confide in you, protect that trust. And when things go wrong — as they will — back them publicly before you discipline privately. Most ‘bad behaviour’ is communication in disguise.
7. Be curious.
Ask for their help. Let them explain the new app or the latest trend. It makes them feel seen and valued — and gives you a window into their world.
8. Own your mistakes.
We all mess up. When you do, admit it. Modelling accountability teaches more than any lecture could.
9. Set boundaries before you need them.
Talk through scenarios in advance — what happens if they miss curfew, drink, or skip homework. Clear boundaries create calm; surprises create conflict.
10. Have fun.
Teenagers are the best excuse to be silly again. Laugh, dance, play — they’ll roll their eyes, but they’ll remember it.
As parents of older children, we often feel we should have it all figured out. The truth? None of us really do. And maybe that’s the point. Connection isn’t a one-time achievement — it’s something we keep choosing, every day.
Not A Survival Guide by Nicole Howes
As parents of older children, we often feel like we should have it all figured out. The truth? None of us really know what we’re doing. Maybe that’s part of the fun.
If you’re feeling a little lost bringing up a teen — or have a tween and are apprehensive about what’s to come this book will offer sound advice.
Not A Survival Guide is available to buy now at all major retailers. Buy your copy here.